9 Ways Hillary Clinton Can Lower Expectations Before Tonight’s Debate

(DON EMMERT/AFP/Getty Images)

Things didn’t go so well for Hillary Clinton in last night’s CNN town hall, where she struggled to explain why she took huge sums of money from major Wall Street banks in return for giving speeches.

The good news is there’s a debate tonight and she can reclaim the media narrative by winning it. Remember, in order to “win” a debate candidates don’t actually have to do anything other than exceed the media’s expectations for them.

Here, then, are nine easy ways Clinton can dramatically lower her pre-debate expectations and thus win the post-debate spin game:

Step 1: During a press conference before the event, allow spit to dribble out the left side of your mouth whenever anyone asks another question about your relationship with Goldman Sachs.

Step 2: Open the debate by telling the public you just suffered from a stroke since you don’t have this election locked up already. Begin talking like Lennie from Of Mice and Men—call everyone “George” and repeatedly talk about ketchup.


CHUCK TODD:  Are you the real progressive in this race?

YOU: I was only foolin’ George. I don’t want no ketchup. I wouldn’t eat no ketchup even if it was right here beside me.


Step 2a: In keeping with novel’s story arc, bring a rabbit with you—and accidentally kill it with your hands, the hands of a woman that deserves to be president goddammit.

Step 3: Make sure everyone knows ahead of time that Bernie Sanders is a “brilliant orator.” Say he’s a cross between Abraham Lincoln, William Wallace, Cicero, and the President in Independence Day. Then spend your closing remarks making everyone watch the latter’s speech on YouTube.

Step 4: Speaking before the debate, conflate “there” and “their.” Out loud. By spelling them. Out loud.

Step 5: Say you missed several debate practices to re-rewatch the second season of How to Train your Dragon, the animated series

Step 6: If, at any point before the debate,  you’re given a baby to kiss, bite it instead. Not hard enough to draw blood or anything, but, like, leave a mark. Then tell everyone that’s how you’ll regulate Wall Street.

Step 7: Replace all “yesses” and “nos” with “fuckin’ ay”s and “fuck outta here”s. You know, the way you talk in real life.

Step 8: When asked about your first act as president, say, “making Jupiter our new home.”

Step 9: Literally shoot yourself in the foot. With a harpoon.