My father used to say “the Eye above watches us all, but its judgments are opaque.” I never quite knew what this meant until I got older. While some of us pundits abdicated our duties of prediction on Super Tuesday (the Coward Nate Silver), others must continue to act as though the eyes of destiny watch over us as we seek to extend our clairvoyant winning streaks. By “us,” I mean me.
Having predicted the results of 27 out of the 31 contests so far (including the exact top 4 finishers in Iowa, Rubio in Minnesota, all 4 Sanders wins last week, and the all-important American Samoa caucus that every other pundit was too scared to face), I can safely call myself the King of Predictions this election cycle. And a king must always be ready to defend his crown.
This weekend sees 9 primary contests in what we insiders are calling “Super Saturday.” Once again, Nate Silver has failed to try to predict these difficult races. But the King has you covered. Below are my calls for all 9.
After Sunday, will I attain a superhuman 36-out-of-40 record? Jump into the crucible of probability with me, Digheads. Ecce effata prophetae!
Here are the key races to watch this weekend:
Kansas Republican Caucus (40 delegates), Kentucky Republican Caucus (43 delegates)
My biggest mistake on Super Tuesday was predicting the shoeless fundamentalist Christians of Arkansas would pull for Ted Cruz and the Godfearing weatherworn dust people of Oklahoma would go for Trump. But the results went the other way, with Cruz taking OK and Trump taking AR. Since then I’ve realized my error.
You see, conservative Midwestern Christians and fundamentalist Deep South Christians are completely different genuses. Deep South Evangelicals are self-satisfied bracelet wearers who grimace-smile contemptibly at same sex couples from their large SUVs, leaving them open to the prosperity gospel of Donald Trump. However, their Southern Midwest counterparts are resentful blood-and-fire types who are so ready for the endtimes they can taste it. They see Ted Cruz speaking their language of holy convulsions, devious and nosy New York types, and divine retribution — and it resonates. Look for Cruz to perform well with apocalypse-minded dirt farmers in Kansas, and Trump to clean up with racial violence-minded conservatives in Kentucky.
Puerto Rico Republican primary (20 delegates)
Marco Rubio canceled rallies in delegate-rich Kentucky and Louisiana to fly to Puerto Rico and secure a much-needed win for his foundering campaign. Rubio, whose parents are from the neighboring island of Cuba, is banking on his fellow Caribbeans overlooking his position that Puerto Rico should be denied bankruptcy and forced to suffer decades of crushing austerity measures. Instead, Rubio wants Puerto Rican GOPers to see in person a young, aspirational Latino candidate who, as President, will fight to eliminate the labor laws and social safety nets that hold this overseas territory back from becoming a mecca of low-paid manufacturing jobs producing high-markup consumer goods for wealthy mainlanders.
Rubio’s main competition is Trump, who own 67% of the property in Puerto Rico and is looking forward to buying more at fire sale prices should the island go bankrupt. My legendary gut says Rubio’s overnight flight to San Juan will pay off as he notches his second win of the season. After this weekend he’ll be able to go back to the mainland and say to Trump’s white nativist supporters, “I got Puerto Rico’s seal of approval.” Now that’s a possible game changer.
Louisiana Primary (51 Democratic delegates, 43 Republican delegates)
Good ole Nawleans! Ah do declare, tha hot sun of La Soleil will be beatin’ down ‘pon these here voters, and ah do reckon that after they have their red beans and rice, poutine, gator fries, Cajun paella, gumbolaya, mash’ potatoes, and king cake, they gonna be fixin’ to put some Zatarain’s into that ole crockpot for Mister Donald Trump and the fine lady Hillary Clinton! I declare that resentful whites don lost so many jobs they fixin’ for Mr Trump’s rollercoaster of lawls, racism, and resentment. Can you dig it? I knew that you could. Now, the fine lady Hillary, she has nothin’ to worry about because Bernard Sanders ain’t marchin’ in no parades or playing no trombone. Billy Crystal, play us out!
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.
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