8 Great Excuses For Sponsors Looking To Cut Ties With Bill O’Reilly

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Self-proclaimed “king of cable news” Bill O’Reilly is under fire for his numerous sexual harassment lawsuits from female staffers, and many corporations are looking to pull their advertising from his nightly Fox News show. If they find it hard to get out of their contracts, may we suggest trying these lines?

“I’m sorry. It’s just that women buy adult diapers, too.”

“Wait! You mean all this time the show has been hosted by pervy right-wing blowhard Bill O’Reilly and not deceased Australian cricket star Bill O’Reilly??”

“The menacing 2004 phone call about his ‘falafel’ sex fantasies was okay, but this time he’s crossed the line.”

“It’s just that your show’s core demographic of bitter, divorced male bigots isn’t buying Air Jordans at the rate we’d hoped. Wait, is there a scandal?”

“The bad news is we’re pulling our campaign. The good news is it’s because we’ve now sold gold futures to literally every senior citizen on fixed income. We did it!”

“We’d reconsider if you replace him with someone less toxic, like Chris Brown or Roger Ailes.”

“Yeah, our market research shows we can reach the same audience by leaving business cards near the Social Security check-cashing window at casinos.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll just run the same exact ad on Hannity.”

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