I recently got my hair cut, which is thrilling mostly because of human contact and also someone else washing your hair for you. However, this time, I found myself lying a lot to my hairdresser for no apparent reason.
Here are the 7 lies I told for no good goddamn reason at all.
1. That I wouldn’t look good in bangs.
I think I might look really good in bangs even though I have curly hair but that might just be my anxiety about the global rise of the far-right talking.
2. That I didn’t know it was going to rain all week.
I fucking knew. I have an app on the goddamned mini computer that I hold in my hands every waking moment unless I’m in the shower or at a really nice funeral.
3. That the water is the right temperature.
It was very hot– scalding even– but I don’t want to be a diva. I’m not sure why I felt the need to prove to her that I wasn’t a diva.
4. That I love the midwest.
I mean discounting the racism… it’s ok. The only good things are the fact that everyone has at least 2 refrigerators at their house and the Italian food.
5. I’ve never dyed my hair before to keep it healthy.
This is the “I floss” of getting your haircut. The only reason I haven’t dyed my hair is because I think I would fuck it up. I’m not taking that good of care of my hair. Please. I would light my hair on fire if it made it look good for a night. If I thought a salad spinner would get my hair dried fast enough, I would do that.
6. That I really liked the movie Arrival.
Why did I lie about this? Who the hell am I trying to be to this woman? Arrival was mediocre at best. Why do they keep putting Jeremy Renner in movies? And I just told some nice lady named Gina that she should totally go see it! What the fuck am I doing here?