7 Things I’m Terrified About Which Have Nothing To Do With The Global Rise Of Right-Wing Extremists

Read

The world is incredibly scary right now. Iggy Azalea hasn’t even been making any music and we’re all feeling existential dread (ZING! Gotcha Iggy!) The global rise of the far-right keeps my heart rate up most of the time…but when I’m not worried about that, here are my other top most active fears:

1. Making Mandy Moore cry

160909_3097460_Mandy_Moore_Is_Excited_and_Proud_of_This_Is_

The other day I was reading a story about Ryan Adams and I was thinking about 2 things: A) He made a whole Taylor Swift album but switched gendered words in case anyone thought he was a girl (DUDE); and B) He’s definitely made Mandy Moore cry. And that thought broke my heart. Poor Mandy Moore probably gives so much to relationships. Knowing that I was the cause of Mandy Moore’s pain would break me.

2. Going down hardwood stairs in socks

Woman with broken leg lying on sofa and reading newspaper

I’m 100% going to fall and break my neck and be paralyzed this way. The very act of walking down stairs in socks makes my butthole clench up for fear of slipping to my death.

3. That I’m not going to be there enough for my parents before they die

Social worker is visiting a senior woman

hahahahahaha… This one is real.

4. Having a show on E! resonate with me

FPolice1

I’m not saying that E! shows are bad. I’ve enjoyed a couple of them. I’m not a fan of bashing reality TV — but I don’t necessarily want Fashion Police to speak to me on an emotional level.

5. Being in a group photo where someone decides to jump

Group of friends jumping at the beach

Don’t. Don’t do this to me. I don’t even know how to look OK in a photo where we just stand there. I’m just learning how to smile without looking incredibly creeped out. Don’t add movement. I am not fucking jumping.

6. Talking to popular teens

Teenage friends spending time together

Why is this still so hard? Why does it seem like teens know so much more than I do?! They seem so sure of themselves! Please, Lord, someone, tell me why I’m still worried about having the good opinion of popular teens. I’m not trying to be their friend or anything. I don’t even want to be cool to them; if I’m being honest, I just want us to mutually decide to leave each other alone.

7. One of my friends dares me to date Pitbull as a prank so I do it but then I actually fall in love with him

0436285292_15807334_8col

This one, for me, is major. I’ve seen movies. This shit happens! You’re just pranking a dude, a minor date to mess with his life — and then, bam, you fall for him! It happens! Dale!