Beyonce announcing her pregnancy felt like a breath of air–fresh or not, doesn’t matter– after having been held underwater for three long months. People finally collectively got to experience something good! Together! On Buzzfeed! With positive emojis! Like the olden days of 2015! That sense of joy will be hard, if not impossible, to recreate again for the next four years, but here are some things that might come close:
1. Your parents are getting back together.
They’ve worked it out! Doug and Linda have realized that they really are better together. No more fighting. Good luck dodging all their awkward sex jokes.
2. Your childhood dog is alive again!
And young! Look at sweet little baby Crisco. He still steals socks, just like when you were younger. Awwww and he’s waiting at the door for you now.
3. Your ex was fired.
From that job that he kept posting about on Facebook. Who even makes Facebook announcements about jobs, Darren??!? And what’s a strategy consultant, even? I’M GLAD YOU’RE MAXING OUT YOUR ROTH IRA, DARREN.
4. You can drink at work now!
Sit back and relax, it’s time for mimosas and Microsoft Office Suite, baby. Put your feet up and grab a beer and for the love of god never say the word “brewski.”
5. They stop putting Jeremy Renner in movies we all want to see, but Viola Davis is in everything.
It’s easy math. Replace that little lego-headed man with the goddess that is Viola Davis. Just ask her what role she wants!
6. Fox News no longer broadcasts to your grandparents’ house.
I don’t know why it doesn’t work, Poppop. I guess it’s a sign that you and MeeMaw need to get out and about more?? Try it! Join the local YMCA. Learn bocce. Get a pet that you never train. Try NPR…. doesn’t your generation have a big old boner for radio?
7. Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael B Jordan are making romantic, story-driven porn available for free.
It’s not difficult, people!