I’ve been looking at a lot of stock image photos of people recently for both personal and professional reasons, and the first thing that comes to my mind is whether or not I would date them. I have included their original titles as stock images to give context.
1. Young pensive athlete relaxing on a stadium after a shot put training.
Verdict: NO. Firstly, don’t you dare lie down on the track and disrespect the track. Secondly, why are you so dang pensive, buddy? What do you have to think about? How tight your shorts are? We are not going to date.
2. Couple in mask of pigs inside of car, selective focus.
Verdict: I would date the one in the passenger seat, not the one driving. The one driving has terrible vision and looks very disapproving. The fun one on the passenger side of her best friend’s ride looks like a very nice young lady whom I would love to enjoy tapas with.
3. Man standing happiness on the kitchen.
Verdict: OF COURSE. What even is standing happiness on the kitchen? I need someone to stand happiness on my kitchen. Look I have no idea what he’s cooking up other than romance. Yes. 10/10, I would love to date this man. I hope his name is Leonard, I like that name.
4. Portrait of a happy, senior African American woman, smiling at the camera, standing in a park.
Verdict: YES PLEASE. This is Genevieve. I love her, I would love to date her. I imagine we would share closets of cozy sweaters and read each other poetry in the dim candlelight of our northeastern farmhouse after our friends had gone home after bookclub. Yes. I would of course spend the rest of my life devoted to Genevieve.
5. Frustrated mature man looking exhausted while sitting at his working place and carrying his glasses in hand.
Verdict: ABSOLUTELY NOT. This man looks stressed. This man looks like he says “racist against white people.” I will not date this man ever never ever. He looks like he has opinions on luggage brands. Who has time for this boring, angry man in their life? I’d rather be a carefree single babe than hitch my wagon to this walking viagra commercial.
6. Unhappy Retired Senior Woman Sitting On Sofa At Home.
Verdict: No. I would not date her because I would only be dating her to try to make her happy, and that’s not a healthy relationship pattern according to Dr. Almeida.
7. Couples Dancing And Drinking At Evening Party.
Verdict: I would date her and not him. That’s right. It’s cold but it’s real. She seems like she has a fun life and shops at Trader Joe’s and isn’t trying to impress anyone, she’s just herself. She’s going to try bullet journaling soon! He seems like he plays video games on your anniversary and only gives you back rubs when you ask for them. He has said “brewski” before un-ironically.