It’s no secret that 2016 is a fraught and frankly terrifying election year. With Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders inciting violence against voters and respected journalists alike, the discourse is barely keeping it together. Sensible politics and logical debate are like a tight elastic band on an ever-widening waist of extremist savagery. It simply cannot hold.
Unfortunately, good people must learn how to protect themselves. It doesn’t matter if it’s the vile “Pepe frog”-wielding Trump Blood And Iron Varangian Guard or the “inequality”-obsessed Bernie’s Elliot Rodger brigade: people are out for blood.
Being a journalist, I’m familiar with rough and tumble fisticuffs. Yes, you may not realize it in our modern world of Buzzfeed livestreams and shiny new purse longforms, but journalism was once a rogue’s profession back when Gen-Xers enlisted. As far as the humanities go, being a journalist is exactly like being a Marine.
I live in Brooklyn. Every day I deal with homeless people in subway stations, teens who humiliate me, and subway conductors who humiliate me. We Brooklynites are a tough people. We just brush it off when strangers scream things like “you better run, fat boy” or “look how fat this ugly piece of s**t is!” That’s just the Big Apple for you.
Coming from this hardscrabble world, I’ve learned a bit about street fighting. In fact, I’ve been assaulted pretty much every week since I moved to New York from Minnetonka last year. I want you, my readers, the loyal Digheads, to utilize the wisdom of my pummelings to prepare yourselves for the coming chaos. Here are the Dig’s self-defense tips:
Dig Tip #1: Your Blackberry Is Your Best Weapon
You never know when a fight is going to break out. One moment you’re sipping Michelob cocktails at the bar, the next a harassment-crazed Bernie Bro is throwing a chair at you. Fortunately you can be prepared for anything by using your Blackberry to keep apprised of your surroundings. New Blackberry progs like “Coward.ly” and “Alpha+ Defense” automatically track the facial expressions of the people around you and emit a chime if they turn violent. In a pinch, you can use the hard plastic casing of your Blackberry as a blunt object.
Dig Tip #2: Urinate Yourself
Those unfamiliar with combat think that self-urination denotes fear, when in fact the opposite is true. Predators often demarcate their territory with their strong smelling urine because it releases combat pheromones that terrify lesser beats. When someone is walking you down, just say “sorry, Dockers!” and let loose. I’d be shocked if your attacker doesn’t turn tail.
Dig Tip #3: Cry
Warning, sailors! Another debunked myth this way comes! All hands on deck, mateys!
People think only weak men cry. Not true. Crying shows you’re passionate about something to the point that you’re willing to let the waterworks go. If I was about to fight someone and they started crying, you bet your bottom dollar it would scare me. I’d be thinking “this guy has so little to lose he’s ditched traditional masculinity!”
Dig Tip #4: Use Those Fingernails
Every single person has the same vulnerable place on their body. It’s called the eyeballs. If you’re going to win a fight you need to go on the offensive. That means keeping your hands free, waiting for the right moment, and digging your fingernails deep into your enemy’s eye sockets. You want to get real deep down in there. Rule of “thumb”: don’t stop gouging until you can feel the skull at the bottom of the eye socket. By using this one simple maneuver you can effectively reduce your combatant’s visibility by at least 50%.
Dig Tip #5: Bite Bite Bite!
Let’s say your enemy has his hands clasped tight around your neck. You’re starting to black out. All is lost, right? Wrong. The most powerful bone in the human body is the teeth. Simply maneuver your teeth around the assailant’s finger and bite down HARD. Bite it like you’re snacking on a delicious fried chicken leg. Try to draw the flesh off the bone. Rip some skin off while you’re at it. Don’t be afraid to chew on the pulp a little bit to show you mean business.
Dig Tip #6: Play The “Contagious Disease Card”
Chances are you’re going to be beaten to a bloody pulp. Don’t worry, that’s actually good for you. If you followed my advice, your assailant is also pretty cut up (if not, go back and review Dig Tips 4 and 5). This is when you need to play your trump card. Simply yell something like “I have HIV!” as loud as you possibly can. This will telegraph to your attacker that continuing to assault you will put them at greater risk of contracting a potentially deadly plague. Chances are they’ll immediately stop beating you up and make a beeline to the nearest STI clinic.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at email@example.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler. And check out his predictions at SixThirtyEight.
To try CAFE’s Morning Shot email, sign up here.