If Senate confirmation hearings for Donald Trump’s cabinet have demonstrated anything, it’s that Democrats are mostly unable to stop the GOP from accomplishing what it wants.
It’s kind of like that scene in The Incredibles when that giant robot is rampaging the city and then Frozone swoops in and shoots ice in front of it: you’re like, “Woohoo, Frozone! Thank goodness you found your super suit!” but then Syndrome’s robot easily breaks through the ice and you realize that Frozone is pretty much powerless and unnecessary except as an opportunity for Samuel L. Jackson to appear in a Pixar movie. If anything, you think to yourself, Frozone is part of the problem that got us into this whole mess in the first place, because he’s been encouraging Mr. Incredible to relive his glory days as a superhero. Frozone is nothing more than an enabler with inexplicable sunglasses, and although he might have slowed down the robot, he really didn’t make a difference, so it’s up to the Incredibles to defeat Syndrome on their own.
It’s kind of like that.
So, what can Democrats do to effectively counter congressional Republicans? Here are five ways:
1. Cover Mitch McConnell’s house in ice
This is a tried-and-true technique that will prevent the Senate Majority Leader from leaving his home to conduct legislative proceedings. Unlike a giant robot, McConnell will be completely powerless to break a wall of ice. Adding insult to injury, ice is transparent, so the entire world will be able to see the reactions of one of the most powerful men in Washington as he is defeated by water.
2. Invite Paul Ryan to a remote island, where he will have to fight increasingly dangerous machines that you have carefully programmed to learn his weaknesses.
Design a contest that will appeal to the Speaker of the House’s athleticism while subtly invoking his manhood and middle age. Desperate to regain the glory of his youth, he will accept the offer—likely without telling his family or colleagues—and can then be transported by private jet to a remote location, where he will spend the rest of his days combatting evil and not enacting legislation.
3. Lure a quorum of the House Republican Caucus into a giant, empty chamber with a screen that flashes “Benghazi,” and then three minutes after they log in, trap them by cannonading them with expanding adhesive globules.
For this plan to be successful, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi should leave the door to her offices slightly open, while looking around to make sure that the daily team of freshman Republicans is still covertly watching her every move. Then she should stand in the middle of the hallway, phone Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, and loudly state that “the Clinton file that the hackers didn’t find is still on my desktop, Chuck!”
4. Combine an aggressive ad campaign directed against GOP members in swing districts with a strategy of coordinated opposition to specific policies, all while rebranding the Democratic Party as the party of economic opportunity.
This might work. It also might not work
5. Engineer an army of shape-shifting babies to attack legislative opponents.
At the end of the day, this is the only foolproof way to defeat your enemies. The cuteness of the babies will cause them to lure their guard down, but as soon as the moment is right and they are in front of an airplane engine or something, the baby will strike.