My life revolves almost wholly around watching The Bachelor.
I’ve made it through this month only for the chance to see whom Nick Viall choses to spend the next 4 months of his life after the show ends with. This matters and you’ll never convince me it doesn’t. Here are some of the things that I hope happen on tonight’s episode of The Bachelor:
1. Someone tells the girls that Trump was elected.
It really seems like no one knows. They aren’t allowed reading materials or TV so maybe some production assistant can do them a solid and let them know what’s happening in their country.
2. Two of the women fall in love… with each other.
I’ve been rooting for this forever, though frankly, I’d prefer that it happen on a season of bachelorette. The whole two women falling for each other thing is likely to be over sexualized in an utterly skin-crawling kind of way. Still, I hope they’re all out their finding their bliss.
3. One of them explains the holy trinity to me.
I don’t really get it, to be honest, but I’m also not seeking out sources that would explain it to me, so it would be nice if someone on a show I was already watching did the leg work on this one. Also, I’m sure a lot of the contestants are staunch lovers of the The Lord, so who better to take up the task of explaining how god is one thing and also a father and his own son and also the ghost of the son. But one person. Well not a person. Anyway, take it away Danielle L. Explain to mama (me) how this works.
4. A girl straight-up “Irish goodbye”s the show.
For those unaware, an Irish goodbye is when you leave without telling anyone. It’s how I plan to die. Just one day I don’t show up for anything. I’d like a girl to just walk away from the set, and by the time they notice she’s gone, she’s back to living her normal life again. Happy and free.
5. One woman gets honest with us, the viewers, about what Nick’s dick is like.
America first, in the words of our president. Tell America what it wants to know: how is Nick’s dick????? Seriously, how has this man made it on 4 seasons of Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise unless he is hung. Please just answer all of our questions.