5 Things My Brain Thinks Are True That Are Definitely Not True


Brains are complicated.

If you’ve watched the Channing Tatum/Rachel McAdams hit movie The Vow as many times as I have, you’d know that. (WHO FORGETS THAT CHANNING TATUM IS THEIR HUSBAND?)

The point is, your brain can betray you. My brain thinks the wrong thing all the time — even when I know I’m thinking the wrong thing. Like how I honestly would try to cuddle an adult tiger if given a window of opportunity; or how I think traffic could just be solved if everyone went faster at the same time. Neither of those things is right. But here we are.

So here are 5 other examples of things my brain is absolutely sure of, even though it’s wrong.

1. Sourdough Bread Is Bad

Monday morning problems

I know this is the wrong opinion. I know that with every fiber of my being. People are supposed to like sourdough. That’s just what we do. Every once in a while, I find another person who shares this opinion and we just sit together in silence for a few minutes and treasure the feeling of being totally alone in the world together.

2. I’d Be A Really Good Race Car Driver

Car Crash

There is–quite literally– no evidence to back this up. I haven’t gotten in any accidents that were my fault and I’ve driven 90mph before. Those are the only two things I have to recommend myself, and yet my brain is utterly convinced that I’d be able to race cars.

3. It’s Not Going To Burn the Roof of My Mouth

Too Much Chili Pepper

How in god’s name have I not learned this one yet? I’m like a guy rushing foreplay, even though it’s not in my best interest. I burn the roof of my mouth most times I eat. Thank god cold food exists or I’d have no tastebuds left. I’m perennially sure that the food has cooled enough for me to eat it. And. It. Has. Not.

4. That One Day I’m Going to Have a Very Different Body

Elderly ladies exercising in a gym.

There is a very large part of my brain apparently dedicated to the conceit that one day I will wake up with a very different body than the one I have. It’s not even that my body is that bad. It works for the most part, minus some health issues. It’s not a body I’d pick out of a lineup if given the choice, but it’s doing the job. And yet! I frequently get startled by what I see in the mirror; I earnestly forget what I look like.

5. Cookie Dough Can’t Give You Salmonella

Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

It can! It SO can. I, however, have eaten so much cookie dough in my life and luckily never gotten sick, which has only furthered my opinion that cookie dough can’t infect you. Again, every single logical part of my brain knows that raw eggs– an ingredient in cookie dough– can cause salmonella. I don’t even have an explanation of how I think cookie dough wards off this harmful germ. I just think it does.