Fox News host and lead defendant Bill O’Reilly has announced that he is taking a vacation from now until April 24th, which by the way was totally pre-planned and has absolutely nothing to do with being a toxic perv whom advertisers are frantically sprinting away from, okay?
Where will he go? Knowing Bill like we do, it’s surely gotta be one of these 5 locations.
1. East Timor
O’Reilly is frequently lamenting the dissolution of Christian values in America, so he’d be happy in the most heavily Christian nation outside the Vatican. Sure East Timor has endured what the BBC calls “some of the worst atrocities of modern times,” but at least they exclusively say “Merry Christmas” in December.
Bill would get to take lots of self-serving religious photos during the day while enjoying almost unlimited falafel sex by night.
3. The Year 1951
Bill O’Reilly’s a smart guy. Who’s to say he couldn’t time travel backward to the early ‘50s if he set his mind to it? It was a simpler time: People like Maxine Waters couldn’t be in Congress, and if a woman wanted a promotion, she’d gladly kneel down and — wait, check that. She wouldn’t be going for a promotion because she wouldn’t have been hired in the first place.
There’s no better place to fall upward than the Donald Trump administration. (Ask Rick Perry.) There could very well be openings for Chief of Staff, Senior Strategist, and/or Press Secretary, so O’Reilly just has to hang out at Mar-a-Lago eating burned steak until the offer comes.
5. His Darkened, Empty Set in the Fox News Building
This would be the place O’Reilly would spend his vacation in some hypothetical scenario where his family didn’t want to go anywhere with him because he beat up his ex-wife and repeatedly made her cry and terrified his kids. But again, purely hypothetical. They’re probably all together in East Timor as we speak.