For the casual Star Wars fans who didn’t participate in last night’s premiere of its hotly anticipated seventh installment, The Force Awakens, the world has already become a minefield of spoiler-infested discourse. Here are some helpful tips for avoiding those pesky spoilers.
1) Download a browser extension that allows you to change web page fonts. Once installed, set your default font preference to Comic Sans, instantaneously hampering your ability to take anything you read seriously, abrupt spoilers included.
2) Prepare to spoil first. Think an acquaintance is about to crudely dish on pivotal Force Awakens scenes? Assure your friend you’ve seen and are prepared to divulge key Alvin and The Chipmunks: The Road Chip plot points, should he choose to proceed. This confrontation is commonly referred to as a “Mexican spoiler-standoff.”
3) Temporarily freeze yourself in carbonite. This will not only drastically hinder your ability see or hear, but also works as a serviceable Empire Strikes Back homage for the more devoted fans of the franchise.
4) Tell your friends you wrote the movie. No one is going to waste time callously disclosing The Force Awakens’ third act to the guy who wrote it. Someone may say to you something along the lines of “uh, I’m pretty sure Lawrence Kasdan wrote this movie.” Calmly assure them that Lawrence Kasdan is the “synonym” you adopt as a screenwriter. At this point, they’ll invariably counter with “um, I think the word you meant to use there was pseudonym.” Initiate tip #2.
5) Read its Wikipedia page and get it over with. Remember that scene in 8 Mile when Eminem’s character preemptively lists his weaknesses, rendering his opponent virtually unarmed and thus becoming the master of his own destiny? Great scene. Watch 8 Mile instead.