5 Confirmable Appointees to Replace Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia


As Republicans and Democrats battle over President Obama’s ability to do presidential things like appoint a Supreme Court Justice, the president faces an uphill task in trying to get his choice confirmed by the GOP-led senate.

To be helpful, we tried to find some nominees that everyone can agree on:

5. Ra’s al Ghul


Instead of nominating a 60-something-year-old to serve for maybe 20 years, why not pick an immortal leader of assassins to serve forever? Not to mention, he’s completely familiar with the concept of leveling big cities for the greater perceived good, so he’d be a knowledgeable presence during the Court’s arguments about eminent domain authority.

4. Robocop

He’s practically hardwired for justice and instead of deciding the legality of civilian surveillance, he can simply be the civilian surveillance

3. An Eames Lounge Chair

This iconic recliner was “inspired to feel like the warm reception of a worn baseball mitt.” Baseball, as you probably know, is America’s favorite pastime. And so is sitting. What politician in his or her right mind opposes a nominee that combines both?

2. Adult Harry Potter

Turns out he becomes an overworked Ministry of Magic employee. Everyone rails against activist judges, so how about someone who doesn’t want to really change anything at all? If you end up being irrelevant as a f**king wizard, you definitely won’t have any ideals to sacrifice as Justice Scalia’s replacement.

1. Drake

Look, if you want a firebrand who challenges American society to deal with its privilege and its unchecked naturalism, Drizzy isn’t your guy. If you want him to drop a legal decision as a dope radio single everyone can dance to and consequently agree with, he’s your guy.