11 Changes GOP Candidates are Secretly Demanding to Future Debates

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Following last week’s disastrous CNBC debate, the Republican presidential candidates are demanding changes to the format of upcoming contests. CAFE has obtained secret information on several camps’ specific demands.

Here’s what the GOP candidates allegedly want…

Rick Santorum – every debate begins with a show of hands of who finished first in Iowa in 2012

Marco Rubio – networks must display an on-screen timer counting down until the day voters decide to like him

Ben Carson – questions only permitted from moderators who make a book purchase during the debate

Carly Fiorina – current policy of moderators not fact-checking candidates’ statements should definitely continue through the full debate cycle

Bobby Jindal – candidates invited to primetime debate if they got over 10% in any poll at any point between 2006 and the present

Donald Trump – eligible moderators limited to Lara Logan (CBS), Erin Andrews (Fox), Hayden Panettiere (ABC), and Shannon Tweed (HBO)

Mike Huckabee – future debate line-ups must include no fewer than 3 “end of days” preachers, thus repositioning him as a moderate

Chris Christie – willing to forgo all speaking time for 5 minutes outside with that smirking, egghead, pubes-for-hair runt Rand Paul

Rand Paul – money for participating, ideally paid to “Rand Paul for President, LLC,” ideally wired via Western Union ASAP

Jeb! Bush – must be referred to as “Mr. President” and questions should be phrased as though it’s 2017 and the campaign is just a distant unpleasant memory

Ted Cruz – no more camera angles that make him look evil