The Oscars. Ahhh the Oscars. The only thing that people like to brag about not watching more than sports. Every year there are some fun surprises for people who allow themselves to enjoy the somehow both saccharine and normally exceedingly dull awards show. Well this year not so much! Look at all the surprises from the 89th annual Academy Awards:
1. That someone thought candy falling from the rafters was a creative bit.
Who thought this? They should be fired. It’s like some dunce named Laurence or some shit said, “hey we have the ability to drop something from the ceiling and I really think we should use it,” but then no one else in the room remembered that something like that hasn’t been cool since TV was invented.
2. That Sting was able to stop having tantric sex long enough to perform a whole song.
Sting definitely had to start up immediately after walking off the Oscar’s stage just to even think about coming before tomorrow 6pm.
3. That Lord of the Rings didn’t win anything.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seemed like they won so many awards for so long that it’s always shocking to me not to get to see real life hobbit Peter Jackson grab an award or two for a night.
4. How many pigs in a blanket I ate.
Conservatively, I would say 34. Wow.
5. How subtle Jimmy Kimmel’s racism was.
He only made fun of people’s names twice with Mahershala Ali’s name and then saying that Patrick was a “normal name,” and then he also held up the child of color and baby Simba’ed him for the world… which was also… bad. (If you don’t get why, please don’t ask your friends who are people of color. It’s not their job). This was a surprise to me because usually the hosts do a whole lot more that makes me want to die while watching. Also surprising: how funny a lot of his hosting was.
6. That both Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are both still alive and so coherent.
People of The Internet are doing Serial levels of reporting trying to figure out who fucked up the Best Picture nomination announcement. Was it Warren Beatty’s inability to read at his age as many assumed? Was he given the wrong envelope by Leo as others suggested? Whatever. Who cares! That was the most interesting thing to happen at an Oscars in the 16 years I’ve been watching. The real surprise was that he and Faye Dunaway seemed to be doing so well. I don’t know if that should be surprising, but we hadn’t checked in on them in a while. That was nice!
7. That the mean tweet about Casey Affleck wasn’t just, “You assaulted someone.”
Or really anything that addressed how he hasn’t lost his career, and is in fact thriving, in the face of being a serial assaulter.
8. That we’re still doing this in the face of fascism.
At least The Apprentice didn’t win Best Picture?
9. Your mom’s disturbing text about what she wants Dev Patel to do to her.
Guess what? I AGREE WITH LINDA. Mess up my entire life, Dev Patel. Ruin it.