A Template for Your Social Media Diatribe on Gun Violence

Save yourself some valuable time -- we all know this is exactly what you're going to write

The past few months have shown us just how tragically common gun violence has become. Even the most devoted gun control advocates must be feeling exhausted by now — so many impassioned pleas on social media written, so few constitutional amendments repealed. Rather than coming up with a whole new spiel every time catastrophe strikes, simply fill in this basic template with the details of the latest calamity and hit “post”.

In light of the recent [insert tragedy in which mentally unstable civilian had access to lethal weapons and used them to murder innocent people], we should [insert some flaccid rhetoric like “start a national discussion” or, if you’re feeling brazen, a half-baked policy idea that’s informed by 2 hours of googling].

When I heard the news, [insert physical manifestation of how shocked you were, perhaps you took a break from the elliptical]. I thought to myself: again?

[This paragraph is where you discuss the details of the specific tragedy. We know, it sounds hard, but don’t worry you won’t have to do any actual work. First, rephrase the opening paragraph from the initial story. Second, and this is key, you’re going to want to pass judgment on as many people as possible here. The mentally unstable civilian? Call him a murderer or, even better, an assassin. Do you have any idea how many clicks the word “assassin” gets on a daily basis? When it comes to the politicians, remember, they’re either not doing enough or doing too much and the President is a coward who won’t stand up to Congress.]

I’m ashamed to be an American right now,  I’m ashamed [insert thing that it’s completely OK to be ashamed about]. I’m outraged by [OK, you’re going to need to be careful here, the goal of this sentence is to say nothing at all while sounding truly indignant. You’re not trying to suggest any actual change, not because you don’t know anything (and you don’t), but because taking an actual stance is controversial and might cost you a retweet. Cherry pick statistics to suggest you did research. Say things like “our system has failed.” Hell, you should probably talk about disappointing the founding fathers. People love that.]

We must as a society [do that thing you suggested in the first paragraph]. We must, individually, [do that thing you suggested in the first paragraph]. We must have discussions with [insert long list of people it is possible to talk to] about how these acts of [now you’re going to want to include an edgy phrase that will never become a part of the national lexicon like “domestic terrorism” because it’s technically accurate and no one gives a shit.]

We are better than this.

[Your Name]

[Thing you wrote for that place]

[Tell people to follow you on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Vine, and Google +]