Morning Shot Archive

Morning Shot Newsletter Archive

Read Today’s Morning Shot: Monday, June 13, 2016

June 2016

Monday, June 13: Trump Congratulates Himself for Predicting He Would Exploit a Tragedy

Friday, June 10: Top Dems Put on United, Happy Face For Outside World (Just Like Your Parents) 

Thursday, June 9: Trump & Gingrich Remind America Why No One Can Stay Married To Either One

Wednesday, June 8: Clinton Defeats Sanders for Privilege of Spending Next 5 Months Getting Trolled by Donald Trump

Tuesday, June 7: Dems Officially Deem Woman Worthy of Office Once Held By Richard Nixon & Warren G. Harding

Monday, June 6: Trump Debuts New Catchphrase: “You’re Mexican”

Friday, June 3: Clinton Claims Secretary of State Better Foreign Policy Qualification Than Extorting Condo Owners in Panama

Thursday, June 2: Trump University Revealed to Be a “University” Just Like Trump Is a “Billionaire”

Wednesday, June 1: Conservatives’ Trump Challenger Not Even Famous Enough for Regular “Apprentice” Show

May 2016

Tuesday, May 31: Trump Scared Voters Will Leave Him for Younger, Hotter Third Party

Friday, May 27: Thrice-Married, Reagan-Bashing Hillary Clinton Donor Seals GOP Nomination

Thursday, May 26: Government Report Finds Hillary Took “Inbox Zero” Concept a Little Too Literally

Wednesday, May 25: Routine Trump Riot Interrupted by Unexpected Campaign Speech

Tuesday, May 24: Trump Issues Dire Warning that Rising Sea Levels Could Cost Him Business

Monday, May 23: New Poll Shows Clinton Would Be Most Unpopular Nominee in History If Trump Didn’t Exist

Friday, May 20: Trump Puts Christie on a Diet of Shame & Insults

Thursday, May 19: Trump Posts List of Supreme Court Nominees Charged With Dismissing All Lawsuits Against Trump University

Wednesday, May 18: Donald Trump & Megyn Kelly Bond Over Mutual Love of Ratings

Tuesday, May 17: Gingrich Reveals He’s Interested in Being VP the Way Your Dog Is Interested in Being Fed Dinner

Monday, May 16: Trump to Change His Outreach to Women By Keeping Clothes On This Time

Friday, May 13: Trump Unveils New “American Dream” For His Base: Having a Racist Butler

Thursday, May 12: Trump Declines to Release Long-form Wealth Certificate

Wednesday, May 11: Trump Dismisses White Nationalist From Campaign Because It’s the General Election Now

Tuesday, May 10: Dark Clouds Over Washington As Ted Cruz Returns to Senate

Monday, May 9: Trump Says He’ll Raise Taxes on Rich, Finding New Way to Punish Jeb

Friday, May 6: Trump Becomes First 69-Year-Old Paul Ryan Will Let Retire

Thursday, May 5: Trump Says He Gave Up 2 Seasons of Celebrity Apprentice to Run, Showing He Must Really Hate Mexican Rapists

Wednesday, May 4: Ted Cruz Finally Leads a Successful Shutdown

Tuesday, May 3: Historic Night For Democrats as Trump Could Wrap Up GOP Nomination

Monday, May 2: Failed Cruz-Kasich Alliance Shows Dangers of Listening to Mitt Romney

April 2016

Friday, April 29: Trump Widens Impressive Coalition to Include Putin and Tila Tequila

Thursday, April 28: Cruz & Fiorina Say They’ll Run Together, But They’re Both Liars So Who Can Be Sure

Wednesday, April 27: Trump Bulldozes Through East Coast Like It’s An Old Widow’s House Blocking His Casino

Tuesday, April 26: New, Serious Trump Slams Ohio Governor for Eating Food Incorrectly

Monday, April 25: Cruz & Kasich Announce Plan To Keep Losing, But This Time on Purpose

Friday, April 22: If A Music Legend Had To Die Yesterday, Why Couldn’t It Have Been Phil Spector?

Thursday, April 21: America’s Money to Look Less Like a Trump Rally

Wednesday, April 20: Trump Impressively Wins State He Lives In & That Ted Cruz Repeatedly Insulted

Tuesday, April 19: Trump Seeks 50% in New York, But This Time It’s Not About a Prenup

Monday, April 18: Pope Joins Democratic Establishment By Praising Bernie — And Then Not Endorsing Him

Friday, April 15: Democratic Candidates Quarrel at Debate But Agree Wolf Blitzer Should Stop Talking

Thursday, April 14: Report: New Trump Aide Already Has Vital Experience Advising War Criminals

Wednesday, April 13: Paul Ryan Graciously Concedes GOP Nomination to People Who Got Votes

Tuesday, April 12: Goldman Sachs Pays $5 Billion and Doesn’t Even Get a Hillary Clinton Speech

Monday, April 11: Unbelievable Deal-Maker Can’t Persuade Own Delegates to Vote for Him

Friday, April 8: Dems Honor Trump in New York by Lying, Bragging & Arguing With Black Protesters

Thursday, April 7: Cruz Makes Inspiring Pitch to GOP: Unlike Trump, I’ll Only Lose by Single Digits

Wednesday, April 6: Ted Cruz “Steals” Wisconsin From Donald Trump By Getting More Votes

Tuesday, April 5: Trump Appears On “Hannity” With His Unconditional Soul Mate, Plus Melania

Monday, April 4: Trump Admits He Shouldn’t Have His Finger on the Button (of his Twitter Account)

Friday, April 1: GOP Loses Head of Black Outreach, Proving There Really Are Some Jobs Americans Won’t Do

March 2016

Thursday, March 31: Trump Seeks to Punish Women Besides Those Who Married Him

Wednesday, March 30: Trump Apparently Unable to Say “You’re Fired” Unless NBC Pays Him For It

Tuesday, March 29: Clinton Camp Demands Sanders Adopt a More “Martin O’Malley”-Like Tone

Monday, March 28: Bird Convinces Nature-Conscious West Coast to Vote for Bernie

Friday, March 25: Cruz: Trump is a Wife-Insulting, “Sniveling Coward” Whom I Will Back for President

Thursday, March 24: Idiots Fearing End of White Race On Verge of Ending GOP Instead

Wednesday, March 23: Trump Threatens Cruz’s Wife With Punishment Beyond Marrying Ted Cruz

Tuesday, March 22: Terror Attack in Brussels Seen as Huge Opportunity for Sick Demagogue in America

Monday, March 21: Obama Makes History By Traveling 90 Miles

Friday, March 18: Michigan Governor “Runs Government Like a Business”… That Poisons People

Thursday, March 17: Billionaire Vows Populist Uprising If He Doesn’t Inherit Thing He Hasn’t Earned

Wednesday, March 16: GOP Re-Boots Effort to Steal an Election — But From a Republican This Time

Tuesday, March 15: Rubio Preparing Victory Speech for Looming Withdrawal From Race

Monday, March 14: Man Vowing to Push Other Nations Around Can’t Control His Elderly Fans

Friday, March 11: Rubio Shrugs Off Science Showing His City and Campaign Are Drowning

Thursday, March 10: Clinton & Sanders Spar Over Who Can Better Pretend to Understand Spanish

Wednesday, March 9: Trump Celebrates Victory With Home Shopping Network Commercial

Tuesday, March 8: Bernie Seeks Campaign Bailout in Michigan

Monday, March 7: “Stop Trump” Soon to Become “Oh $%#! STOP TED CRUZ!”

Friday, March 4: Fox Anchors Hold Down Trump So Cruz & Rubio Can Get Some Punches In

Thursday, March 3: Romney Finally Pays a Tax… For His 2012 Trump Endorsement

Wednesday, March 2: Rubio Outshines Mentor, Loses More States Than Jeb in One Night

Tuesday, March 1: GOP About to Nominate the One Billionaire They Don’t Love

February 2016

Monday, February 29: Trump Shows Sensitivity to Maligned Minority Group — White Supremacists

Friday, February 26: Cruz & Rubio Battle to Become the Next Jeb Bush

Thursday, February 25: GOP Conditions for Supreme Court Nominee: No Democrats or Republicans

Wednesday, February 24: Trump Takes GOP as His Fourth Wife

Tuesday, February 23: Ted Cruz Fires Lying Spokesman for Stealing the Boss’s Thunder

Monday, February 22: With Jeb Gone, Mitt Steps Up to Be Bullied By Trump

Friday, February 19: Trump Asks to Speak to Pope’s Supervisor

Thursday, February 18: Enjoy Your Last Few Days of Mocking Jeb Bush, America

Wednesday, February 17: Trump Considering Classy, Beautiful Lawsuit Against Ted Cruz

Tuesday, February 16: Obama Insists He’s Still President, Despite Scalia’s Death

Friday, February 12: Hillary Touts Her Love of Obama Except For That Whole 2007-2008 Thing

Thursday, February 11: Good Job, GOP: Usually You Have to Pay Carly Fiorina to Leave

Wednesday, February 10: Trump Crushes GOP Field, Makes America Pay for It

Tuesday, February 9: New Hampshire Prepares Its F-You to America

Monday, February 8: Super Bowl Show Gives Beyoncé Chance to Disprove White Supremacism

Friday, February 5: Rubio Blasts Obama’s Divisive Attempt to Unite America

Thursday, February 4: Bernie Challenges Hillary to an Old-Fashioned Progressive-Off

Wednesday, February 3: Defeated Trump Recharges for Next Level Like Villain in an ’80s Video Game

Tuesday, February 2: GOP Calls 3rd-Place Rubio a Winner, Proving It’s Also Anti-Math

Monday, February 1: Iowa All About Turnout, Says Co-Worker Who Loves Sound Of Own Voice

January 2016

Friday, January 29: Trump-Less Debate Allows Everyone to Focus on Hating Ted Cruz

Thursday, January 28: White Actor to Play Michael Jackson, Becomes Instant Oscar Favorite

Wednesday, January 27: Trump Builds Wall Around Debate, Makes Fox News Pay For It

Tuesday, January 26: Anti-Planned Parenthood Group Not Very Good at Planning

Monday, January 25: Nation May Need Two Billionaires to Beat a Socialist

Friday, January 22: GOP “Thinkers” Discover They Are Tiny Minority of Party

Thursday, January 21: Palin Blames Obama for Everything But Making Her Rich

Wednesday, January 20: Republican Governor Vows Not To Poison Any More Cities

Tuesday, January 19: Republicans Suddenly Huge Fans of Socialist

Monday, January 18: Two Medicare Recipients Debate Single-Payer Health Care

Friday, January 15 – Trump and Cruz Launch Canada-New York War

Thursday, January 14: Ted Cruz Accidentally Forgets Goldman Sachs Owns Him

Wednesday, January 13: Obama’s Speech Describes Nice Country Most Republicans Have Never Been To

Tuesday, January 12: GOP Fears A Gay Marriage at Obama’s Last “State of the Union”

Monday, January 11: Rolling Stone’s Guest Editor Unavailable For Future Assignments

Jan 10

Friday, January 8: NRA Confuses “Regulate” and “Confiscate” Because They Rhyme

Thursday, January 7: Ted Cruz Fighting Urge To Call For His Own Deportation

Wednesday, January 6: GOP Investigating Obama’s Alleged “Tears”

Tuesday, January 5: Obama Asks America For One Last Chance To Take All Their Guns

Monday, January 4: Trump Challenges Bill Clinton To A Feminism Contest


December 2015

Wednesday, December 23: Trump Seeks To Build Wall Around Women’s Restrooms

Tuesday, December 22: Trump Demands Apology for Clinton’s Bodily Functions

Monday, December 21: Dems’ Effort to Hide Martin O’Malley Successful

Friday, December 18: Bernie Still Running Despite Losing Putin Endorsement

Thursday, December 17: The Recession Is Over — For Rich People!

Wednesday, December 16: Even Trump Sick of Trump Now

Tuesday, December 15: Debate Tonight Lets Candidates Say Bye to Rand Paul

Monday, December 14: Billion-Dollar Baby Whines As Ted Cruz Awakens

Friday, December 11: Trump To Break Up Another Marriage

Thursday, December 10: Supreme Court Vows To End Racism (Against White People)

Wednesday, December 9: Yes, I May Be Like Hitler. Please Vote For Me

Tuesday, December, 8: Another Day That Will Live In Infamy

Monday, December 7: GOP: Obama Fails to Say Magic Isis-Killing Words

Friday, December 4: Great News If You’re On the Terror Watch List!

Thursday, December 3: The Biggest Mass Shooting Since the Last One

Wednesday, December 2: Billionaire to Give Back Money, Keep Your Privacy

Tuesday, December 1: Ted Cruz Is Trump’s New Apprentice

November 2015

Monday, November 30: Republicans Find a Terror Attack They Can’t Use

<Wednesday, November 25: a href=”″>Ted Cruz Gives Thanks for Trump

Tuesday, November 24: Trump Lies, The Media Sighs

Monday, November 23: Trump: Black Lives Should Keep It Down

Friday, November 20: When You Absolutely Positively Have To Track Every Single Muslim

Thursday, November 19: GOP Vows To Save U.S. From Orphans and Widows

Wednesday, November 18: Foreign Policy A Foreign Concept For GOP Frontrunner

Tuesday, November 17: Killing ISIS with Christian Kindness and Trolling

Monday, November 16: Party Fearing War on Religion Now Waging War on a Religion

Friday, November 13: Mitt Romney Will Save You, Girl

Thursday, November 12: Billionaire Vows To Save You From Higher Wages

Wednesday, November 11: GOP Candidates Vow To Save You From Foreigners, Health Insurance

Tuesday, November 10: GOP Candidates to Debate Best Method to Kill Baby Hitler

Monday, November 9: Republicans Blame Liberal Media for Making GOP Frontrunner Attack Republicans

Friday, November 6: Mom, I Don’t Want to Sit with Mike Huckabee & Chris Christie

Thursday, November 5: NBC Ends Donald Trump’s “Racism Punishment”

Wednesday, November 4: Kentucky To Test Obamacare’s Return Policy

Tuesday, November 3: Obama Wants to Debate All 15 GOP Candidates and Their Moms

Monday, November 2: GOP Candidates Demand Safe Space to Express Their Own Unique Feelings