On this day in 1969, Matthew McConaughey was born after possibly having been conceived in a Buick.
TIME TO GIVE BACK THAT OBAMACARE, KENTUCKY
CHICKENS BACK KFC—Businessman Matt Bevin — last seen losing to Mitch McConnell in a 2014 GOP Senate primary by almost 25 percent — has become only the second Republican governor of Kentucky since 1967 and the first to ever resemble the husband of a Real Housewife of New Jersey.
BEVIN REPLACES STEVE BESHEAR, the Democratic governor who had the most success in implementing Obamacare in a red state, where most Republicans would rather have nose herpes than anything with the word Obama in it — except perhaps an Obama Chia Pet. That might do well in Kentucky.
A RECENT STUDY SUGGESTS THAT for every 830 people who gain insurance, a life is saved, which would work out to about 500 Kentuckians a year whose votes Bevin won’t have to worry about winning.
BEVIN BACKED NOTORIOUS COUNTY CLERK KIM DAVIS who refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples because it violated her beliefs, which allowed her four marriages and a whole lot of judgment.
APPARENTLY, denying people health insurance doesn’t violate Bevin’s firmly held beliefs.
AFTER EXPANDING MEDICAID UNDER A DEMOCRATIC GOVERNOR, Arkansas elected a Republican who decided to extend the program for at least two years. Bevin could do the same. But doing so would obviously mean HE IS A TREE-HUGGING OBAMA LOVER.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR GUNS AND YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE IN KENTUCKY is no one is actually coming for your guns.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…
IN TODAY’S CAFE, we got our hands on posters for brand new political shows coming to Netflix, such as the Ben Carson vehicle, “Kill Hitler,” the Hillary Clinton talk show “Did I Say That?” and Carly Fiorina’s joint project with Ryan Seacrest, “So You Want to Be a CEO?”
AND CAFE INTRODUCES A NEW COLUMNIST, the world’s most respected war professor, Jeff Wilhelm, an expert on the MIddle East, Russia, and open marriages.
HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY SCREW THIS UP?
“DON’T GET COCKY” CAUCUS—Republicans have gerrymandered themselves a House majority that’s more secure than someone who’d use a selfie stick at church, says analyst Kyle Klondik.
BUT THEY COULD ACTUALLY BLOW IT IF they happen to nominate a candidate who would alienate the residents of affluent, educated suburbs where the Tea Party only exists as an ironic Halloween costume option.
HILLARY CLINTON EMAILS SO BORING EVEN REPUBLICANS DON’T WANT TO READ THEM
THE WORST PART OF WAKING UP—There’s an internal debate going on among House Republicans about whether they want to help Hillary Clinton by continuing to mess up the investigation of her emails.
SOME MEMBERS WANT TO LEAVE THE TASK TO THE FBI, which is conducting a security analysis of the former Secretary of State’s private email server. Others argue there are still several ways they could persist and continue the investigation by digging into all emails involving Monica Lewinsky, Vince Foster and Bill Clinton’s role in popularizing the Macarena.
BLAME SONDHEIM—Children will never misbehave again now that this horrifying 65-year-old clown “Wrinkles” is selling his services to parents who want to make sure their kids are in therapy several days a week.