There is nothing worse than waking up bright and early to make yourself a hearty breakfast only for your toast to catch on fire while your back is turned, so that before you know it your house has burst into flames. I can’t think of a more frustrating way to start the morning: without the most important meal of the day, and without a home or any possessions. In my case, that day was May 23, 2013.
Luckily, I have found the perfect breakfast recipe that is nutritious, delicious, and safe from a raging inferno. I even gave it to my friends and family, and they all loved it! “Thank God we didn’t perish due to those top-heavy candles on that wobbly table [and for such a delicious breakfast]!” they shouted back to me as they left my home. In other words, this recipe is a huge success. Look how happy we are.
Bread: 1-4 slices
This is a very important ingredient. I have found that some of the best-tasting toast is made from locally sourced and whole grain brands. However, you want to be careful that you pick a loaf that doesn’t have too many loose seeds, oats, or toppings. Otherwise, these may fall off the slice as you place it in the toaster and collect in the bottom of the machine, gradually heating up until one day a burst of flaming caraway seeds suddenly flies out of the top of the toaster like popcorn from hell and becomes embedded in your dry wooden cabinetry.
Butter and/or Honey: 1-4 dollops
This is really up to your own preference. I’m personally a honey guy, but butter works just as well if you don’t have as much of a sweet tooth. However, I would note that honey cannot stop a fire for certain, as it is flammable. Rather, it would probably create some sort of slow-moving, viscous bonfire that smells like a tasty meal.
1. Place bread gently into an unplugged toaster, like so.
2. Wipe down the plug for your toaster to make sure there’s no dust on it, and double-check your outlet to make sure there are no faulty wires in there. Unscrew the outlet cover and just kind of jiggle all the wires to make sure they’re secure. If the cover is already off, then this will happen faster.
3. Turn on the toaster. I admit that this is a frightening step, but mankind was not meant to cower in fear; rather, we step out into the unknown, even when we have already lost multiple homes due to breakfast-related mishaps and have been blacklisted from several insurance companies.
4. Every ten seconds, pull up the lever of the toaster so that the bread pops up and you can check that it’s not on fire. Continue for approximately 15 to 30 minutes.
5. Wave to your neighbor outside your window to show that everything is fine. It’s not a bad idea to also shout “Everything is fine!” so that they know. But make sure that you’re still paying attention to the toaster during this time, because otherwise you might accidentally knock it over when you turn back from your neighbor, causing the red-hot metal coils of the machine to make contact with the incredibly thick carpet that is in your kitchen for some reason.
6. When the toast is toasted to satisfaction, unplug the toaster quickly. I prefer a golden-brown hue to my toast, which indicates a crunchy exterior but a softer, more flavorful interior. Many people are the same way.
7. Spread butter and/or honey on your toasted toast. Again, honey is flammable, so if you choose to include it in your recipe I would recommend waiting an additional 10 to 20 minutes for your toast to cool. You might not have the piping-hot breakfast that you wanted, but at least you’ll be alive, unlike all the sorry souls who were too eager to use their condiments.