5 Ways The Trump Administration Could Try To Disguise Its New Muslim Ban As Not A Muslim Ban

Like "My Fair Lady," but for a policy of state-sanctioned religious discrimination!

In January, President Trump’s senior advisor, Stephen Miller, said that the White House’s new travel ban was “still going to have the same basic policy outcome for the country, but you’re going to be responsive to a lot of very technical issues that were brought up by the court, and those will be addressed.”

But the Trump administration has been having trouble figuring out how to disguise the same ban as a different ban. How can they convince people that it is completely different, although it kind of looks like they did the legal equivalent of changing the font size from 12 to 13 so that your essay is long enough? There are some foolproof methods that they haven’t tried yet.

1. Paint it brown and forest green so that it is perfectly camouflaged but can still jump out at Muslims when they walk by.

It's all about aim
Sure, the travel ban might get annoyed standing still for hours on end, but it will thank you when a federal judge strolls by without glimpsing it at all.

2. Surround it in a larger ban, so that it’ll be like one of those babies in the winter who are wearing so many layers of coats that you can’t see them at all but know that they do not like the Constitution’s Establishment Clause.

Happy smiling little child playing on snow in winter day
It’s so cute when a ban is wearing so many other bans that it can’t lower its little ban arms. Adorable!

3. Put it in a dress and wig or wrap it in a towel or something, so that it can walk around town without being outed as either an alien or a dusted-off version of the Chinese Exclusion Act.

Studio Artist Rides E.T. Figure To Its New Home In The Film Experience At Madame Tussauds New York For The Anniversary of Universal Studios/Amblin Entertainment's "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial"
It worked for E.T., and in their worst nightmares the Founding Fathers definitely wouldn’t have thought up something like him, either.

4. Distract everyone by pointing across the street and screaming, “Look! It’s Rachel Maddow!”

Rachel Maddow Visits "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon"
This method has been successful countless times before. It is the only strategy that has a 100% success rate.

5. Leave it under the water during the daytime, and only let it surface for air at night. 

middle finger for you
It might die in the meantime, but that’s ok.