The introduction of the American Healthcare Act has been met with a universally negative response. But what specific aspects of this bill are making people so angry? Well, here are a few provisions we assume are hiding somewhere deep within the plan.
1. Ambulances aren’t allowed to use their sirens anymore and must obey all posted traffic laws.
Tired of having to pull over for speeding ambulances? Good news!
2. You can now be dropped from your plan for currently-existing conditions.
Look, it’s for the best, okay? Single-payer is definitely worse.
3. Meet the only qualified doctor in your network: a pre-owned Doogie Howser DVD.
Don’t worry – it’s the complete set.
4. You must now name and hold a funeral for any malignant tumor you choose to have removed.
It’s only fair.
5. Win up to 25% off your medical expenses, as hospitals are now required to give you scratch-and-win cards with your bill.
C’mon, it’s basically free money at this point.